I feel like my mind is going through a constant battle. I will think of something uplifting and then a prideful and degrading thought will creep into my thoughts and overshadow the pleasant ones. it happens so subtlely. half the time I don't even realize how selfish I really am being.. how prideful I have been acting. there are not really any specific instances where I can look back and pinpoint my selfish thoughts. they simply come and go as they please. sometimes transferring into actions. and then that night comes, where I am sometimes alone, sometimes in the midst of people, and it hits me. I feel like things are just crashing down around me. I feel broken. nothing particular happens to make me feel this way. but the accumulation of the sinful thoughts that have been stored in the back my mind suddenly bring me down.
and I want them gone.
God has worked and is working in my life in such strangely beautiful ways. through my ever continuous cycle of just "pushing aside" my problems, fears, and insecurities I have been brought to some of my lowest points. only to have it be a much needed and comforting reminder that I am loved. that no matter what I may think, or try NOT to think, do.. and try not to do.. I will always be loved. there are times where I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I will often dwell on my problems far too long and spend too much time thinking about how I can fix things.
let's get real. it's not gonna happen. I'm still gonna screw up. but through my screw ups I learn so much. I'm so so so so so so blessed. I have so much. and I am loved. through it all. God never leaves me. He hears me always. why do I forget this so easily? it's such a simple and wonderful thing.
